Where Is Love?

In that wonderful musical, Fiddler on the Roof by Joseph Stein, Tevye, in what proves to be a life-altering moment, asks of his wife, “Do you love me?” To which she replies with a list of the many things she has done for him and with him over the twenty-five years of their marriage. Finally, after listing all of those things she has done, she concludes that yes, she supposes that she does indeed love him, since she can think of nothing else it could be.

A few years ago, I would have said that people's use of the word love was becoming more widespread, and that people were using it over-much and making light of it; using it to describe anything and everything remotely connected with any kind of human relationship or attraction. Now, I think, I would have to say that there seems to be a relative decline in the use of that word. But whatever the popular usage, it is clear that as living creatures in a living world, we know less of love than we do of, say, gasoline prices or world events.

Having been both a child and a parent, I have seen human relationships from many angles and have used and seen the word 'love' used in numerous settings from the profane to the profound. I've seen it thrown at people in fits of anger, seen it gently fall from the lips of newlyweds, watched it caress the brow of a tiny child and been held by it in the heart of another. The word seems to mean so many different things in so many different situations that to capture it in one succinct definition becomes a nearly impossible task.

Most people, I believe, would define love as something you 'show' to someone. Like Tevye's wife who listed the cooking, cleaning and bearing children which she had performed in behalf of her husband. This, to her, was the meaning of love. In other words, she showed her love by the things she did. I have been in many church classrooms where we were asked how we could 'show' our love, and the answers always tended in the same direction as Tevye's wife: helping, kind words, thoughtful deeds, etc. This, I suppose, is the evidence we might present in order to prove that we love someone. Unfortunately, it is only circumstantial evidence and not always conclusive.

There are some who, in an attempt to 'prove' their love, offer such deeds as proof and then, demand acknowledgment and reciprocation. As if to say, “Look what I have done for you because I love you. Now, I deserve something in return.” Parents sometimes treat their children in this way, expecting the same kind of 'love' they have been giving.

In the well-known scriptural definition of Love, it describes more of what love is not, than of what it is, as in: not envious, not puffed up, not seeking her own, not easily provoked. Thus I have asked myself: Is love the good deeds we do, or the evil ones we do not do, or is it something else entirely? Love certainly has degrees of intensity and strength, but for my understanding, I wished to know the highest and best meaning, having already seen much of what I would consider the least and lowest forms of what has been or might be called love.

In the words of Oliver from the musical of the same name by Lionel Bart, based on the book, Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens, “Where is love?” Many times I have asked myself this question and as many times, have come to the conclusions above.

Then, unexpectedly, love came, a gift, unannounced, and smiled upon me, embraced me from the inside out, healed my wounded soul and lifted me up. Without words, I learned instantly that Love is real, but not really the things we do. Love is alive, but we must allow it and believe it in order to feel it. Love sings, but not with the voice. Love heals, but more with the heart than with the hands. And, shining through the universe from the brightest, star to the tiniest particle of microscopic matter is Love: iridescent, fine, endless, true, astonishingly beautiful and magnificent.

Worth It

There is something about the living, growing things of this world and about participating in that growth that gives me a kind of unexpected pleasure and joy to my soul as to be akin to food for my body. When I have planted a seed, watered it, weeded it and waited for it to grow, it somehow fills me with wonder, satisfaction, and joy inexplicable to see it push its way miraculously above the ground and grow. Then, as I continue to nourish, tend and water the growing things, they respond by giving out foliage and fruit in abundance. And, although I did not create the DNA within the seed, still, without me, the plant would surely die.

Living in a desert, as we do, one quickly learns that if you want something more than sagebrush and cactus, you simply must provide water. The awesome power of the canal system which brings water to thousands of fields is truly life-giving and without it, half of the State of Idaho would be barren, both of plants and people. In realizing the importance of water to my garden or lawn, I couldn't help but see the similarity between plants and people.

Some people have called this world a lonely wilderness, where the things one truly needs are as scarce as water in a desert. People search for health, happiness and loving relationships their entire lives and often end up disappointed. Families can be a source of all of those things, or they can be a source of the opposite. Unfortunately, people seem to be less and less knowledgeable and capable of providing the kind of home where the cravings of the heart, mind and soul are satisfied.

Since before I was married I was gardening, but it was only recently that I began to do more than just the cursory tilling, planting, sporadic watering and occasional weeding. The fact that I was growing a family was my excuse for not being more diligent in my gardening. But, now that I no longer have small children to keep track of, my eyes and hands are freed somewhat to care for my garden. Thus, I began to discover things about gardening that surprised and amazed me. I have had numerous failures where gardening is concerned and they always made me feel as though I were just not quite good enough, or green enough or something. When I began to garden in earnest, I discovered that a good watering system could hide a multitude of sins, so to speak. I also learned that if I went out every day and looked at my garden, I didn't have to have a degree in gardening, to know pretty much what my plants needed. When I did those two things, I was amazed to find that my garden responded with such abundance and beauty, that I could hardly believe my eyes! The difference between my other gardens and the one I had been with day by day, was phenomenal. Joy and happiness were my first and most rewarding harvests. After that came the vegetables and fruit. They were strong, healthy and beautiful. They simply eclipsed anything I could purchase at the store and when I partook of their nourishment, I could feel the difference in every way. Wow, I thought. All that from just being there every day.

When I had started my new garden, I made a promise to the garden and to myself, that I would be there for the garden, every day when possible. I kept that promise and was abundantly blessed. Interestingly enough, when I started my family, I made the same commitment to them. Families are like gardens; they grow best when consistently watered and looked after. This world can be a real desert, where love, happiness and joy are rare and precious gifts. Parents can be like an aquifer in the desert, giving children the love and support they need in order to grow and flourish. You don't have to have a degree in child psychology. It only takes love and commitment. Having made that commitment and shared the love I felt, I have tasted of the fruits of my labor and can honestly say it is not only worth the effort, but its the best thing I have ever tasted.

I Love Spring

Spring, for some strange reason, always brings out the de-clutterer in me. Both inside and outside our home will find me ruthlessly de-junking in the spring. From dead wood to dead coats, there is something about the spring that makes me long for that clean fresh feeling of spring to find it's way into even the darkest closets, the furthest reaches of the yard and the deepest recesses of my mind.

Nine years ago, when we moved here from our home in Utah, I spent an entire year casting off ten years of accumulation and clutter. It was a great feeling to remove things that we were not using or that had outlived their usefulness and yet, when we finally moved it still felt like we had more stuff than we needed. This spring, as I look around, it seems that way again. Modern living is generally cluttered living. This is partly due, I believe, to the poor quality of goods made readily available in every store. It is easy to buy something cheap these days and difficult to get rid of things that don't work or you don't really need. 

Cluttered living is habit forming, I think. Once you have acquired something, it sort of takes hold of you and it can be extremely difficult to let go of it, no matter how inconvenient it might become. If the clutter happens to be a gift, then its hold is even more tenacious and getting rid of it can be almost impossible. I once read that clutter, (loosely defined as things in your life that have not been used in the last year or things that have outlived their usefulness), is not just a benign pile of stuff but in fact it can become a serious drain on your life's energy. Every time you look at a pile of 'stuff' that is not being used but is taking up space, your mind tries to work on that pile. Maybe you think about what should be done with it, why you haven't done it, reasons why you might want to keep it, where you might put it instead, etc. Negative energy was what it was called. The clutter sucks energy from your life by sitting there waiting for a solution. I have seen homes where the clutter has literally taken over the life of the house. Used and useful articles are relegated to tiny slices of space that have to be wrested away from the grasp of the clutter. Like a monster parasite taking over it's host, these homes are unlivable, to say nothing of the people who live with it. 

On the other hand, I have noticed with children as well as myself, that whenever a room has been cleaned, we invariably are drawn to that room and begin creating something, playing something or working on something in it. The room acts like a magnet for creativity and finds immediate use. Laughter, joy and creative energy fairly bubble out of the room, making it and everyone involved in it feel more alive. 

Clutter is not merely a question of things but also of people and feelings. For instance, people can carry mountains of emotional clutter around with them. Grudges, past hurts, failures, wrongs, grievances, illnesses and troubles can be carried into every conversation and every relationship. The more you carry with you, the more difficult it is for any useful or happy interaction to occur. The emotional clutter brings with it the addiction of self-pity and the loss of hope. Creativity becomes something to regret instead of something to reach for. Other people succeed, other people are happy, other people are healthy, but the cluttered person is held captive by his clutter.

Spring makes me feel like letting go. It makes me want to remove both physical and emotional clutter. As I stood in my yard this week and watched while a pile of dead branches burn, I felt strangely liberated. I watched the wood turn to ash and smoke and literally to disappear and it seemed like magic! My yard had been cluttered with these branches for many months. Now they were gone and it felt so much like freedom that I wanted to sing! At the same time, because it felt like the right thing to do, I mentally dropped some emotional clutter into that fire and watched it go up in smoke. It felt so good that I spent the rest of the day looking for more things to burn. I do love spring.

A Few Good Things

Sometimes it seems like the world is going to h--- in a hand basket, but today I want to think about some of the things that are right with the world. There is a philosophy that says: whatever you focus on is what you will get more of. Right now I would like more of a few things that I find particularly good and wonderful.

One thing that really makes me happy and that I would like to see more of is this idea of 'inalienable rights'. I love the concept that there are rights which I possess which were not given to me by any human, group or earthly entity. These rights are mine because I am alive and they cannot be given or taken; they just 'are'. This idea implies a great deal about my origin and destiny which might be difficult to explain or discuss in certain public places, but they are mine just the same and I will not be denied those rights if I can help it. Never mind that there are whole political parties dedicated to the removal of some or all those rights. I don't care. Maybe it's time those rights were threatened. People are altogether too complacent about rights, responsibilities and freedom these days and if the loss of their freedom makes them aware of their inalienable rights to the extent that they then begin to understand and defend them in a meaningful way, then so be it. 

Speaking of freedom, this beautiful land in which we live is a veritable treasure-trove of wonder and magnificent scenery. You can cross Idaho at it's most insipid and tame places and you cannot help but be in awe of the power and majesty of this truly inspiring creation. Everywhere you go in this country there are vast areas of sweeping glorious beauty to take your breath away. I am always filled with gratitude when I see a picturesque landscape or a rushing river or an approaching storm or a fiery sunset. How can one ignore the grandeur all around us and forget that nothing good happens by accident but must be done deliberately. It would be like a rich man planning a lovely party for his daughter, with gifts and guests, ponies and party favors, music and magic and the daughter afterward saying to her friend, “Isn't it wonderful that all these great things just happened to get here by accident, on my birthday?” The party we have been enjoying is significantly more complex and extraordinary than the one in my example and still there are those who, in their colossal ignorance have the effrontery to say that it 'just happened' to land here for their personal enjoyment and nothing more. 

Since I'm talking about things that make me happy, it would be wrong to leave out the people in my life who play parts in the drama of life. When I was younger, I watched some soap operas since it could not be avoided (my boss where I worked was addicted to them and had to have them on all the time). One thing I learned from that experience was that real people were much more interesting, fun, challenging, entertaining, helpful, beautiful or anything than a fake person on television. Children today have been led down a dark path of 'avatar' living, where they only live a surrogate life while their real life goes un-lived. From soap operas to video games to cult-movies to cyber-relationships, people are doing less and less real living and more and more pretend living. But honestly, there is no comparison. However, when real people only hurt us, let us down, use us or disappoint us, well... that's too bad. There is nothing in this world to compare with a family that works. I know because I have one. I have worked at it for my entire life and it works great. It is the greatest thing I have. It is the greatest thing I will ever have. It is the only thing worth living for and one of the few things worth dying for. Giving it up, taking it for granted, losing it, abusing it, shirking it or ignoring it are the worst things you can ever do to yourself. I wouldn't recommend it.

Mostly Dead

What does it cost a man to stand up for what he believes in? By 'stand up' I mean to actually change his behavior to fit his stated opinions and beliefs. This rare form of honesty is something I have read about and sometimes heard about, but seldom have I seen it. It is true that there have been many people in my acquaintance who have put up a pretty good fight, who have done at least something, but the kind of integrity I have in mind is the kind that, like that of Joan of Arc, is not bound by artificial restrictions but finds a way to express itself even at the risk of one's life.

Some years ago, while living in a great metropolis, my husband had the interesting experience of working for a large software company. While there, it happened that he was falsely accused of a certain breach of conduct. Throughout the investigation, my husband continually asserted his innocence and defended his position to the best of his ability, which eventually brought him face to face with the owner, and multimillionaire president of the company. As frightening as that must have been and in spite of the pressure from friends and associates alike to give in to the demands being made upon him to admit guilt and to 'reform' his behavior, he never wavered from his position. The president himself threatened to fire him if he did not comply and though he was called a fool and worse for doing so, my husband stood firm and refused to admit guilt. It was a good way to find out who his true friends were. Incidentally, my husband did not lose his job. He got a raise.

This small example of sticking to your guns is a little bit of what I am thinking of. It seemed like there were people coming out of nowhere telling my husband that he was a complete idiot to risk losing such a great job, just for the sake of a little misunderstanding. To them it was a mere trifle, a small thing, but to him, it was his integrity and it meant everything. I admire that in any man.

Joan of Arc is another personal heroine for the same reason. It took more than just courage to face a foul-mouthed general, a spoiled King, a nation of cowards and an opposing army of thousands. At each crossroads she faced her enemy and defeated them. Even when her own countrymen betrayed her to the enemy and she was jailed, harassed, tricked, tortured, tried and finally burned to death they could not take from her the one possession which was worth more than all the gold of all the countries in the world; her integrity remained and still remains intact. Today there are more statues in remembrance of Joan of Arc than of any other person who ever lived. 

But I have to ask myself: Why did she do it? Why was she willing to risk her life for the sake of one little principle of truth, as she perceived it? And when she had done so, and died for it, why did the whole world rise up and praise her little name as one of the Great Ones of the world?

People have said to me: “You probably won't be asked to give your life for your belief.” And I want to say: “Why not?” What does it cost a man to stand up for what he believes in? To really stand, to fight, to never give in, to persevere through difficulty, rejection, persecution or even death? The immortal words of Nathan Hale still ring true today: “I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country.” There ought to be more things than country for which a man would be willing to lay down his life. For instance, the safety and well-being of one's children, the sanctity of one's home and family or the integrity of one's business dealings to name a few. Today it would seem that there are too many people who would rather die than be honest. They would rather die than save their marriage. Perhaps they would even rather die than make someone happy. How have we come to this? 

Sir Thomas Moore, I think, could teach us something. It was he who said: “When a man takes an oath, he's holding his own self in his own hands like water, and if he opens his fingers then, he needn't hope to find himself again.” Indeed, it seems we are a people lost in a sea of forgotten selves. We do not know who we are because we stand for nothing, risk nothing, gain nothing. What is death compared to that?

Justice, Please

I recently came across a person who, in the heat of the moment, began an exposition on the evils of lying and cheating. He was extremely angry with a person whose blatant dishonesty shocked and appalled him to the point of disbelief. He simply couldn't understand how anyone could be so unkind and unfair. The dishonest behavior, incidentally, directly affected the well-being of this man and his family. As a result, his indignation grew exponentially with each thought of its impact upon himself, his wife and his innocent children. The poor man, I thought.

Each of us is endowed at birth with a sense of what can only be called Justice. I have cared for children since I was old enough to hold them and one of the first things you become aware of in a child's character is their sense of right. They don't have to be very old before they realize that if they have a thing in their possession and someone preemptively snatches it from them, they will become instantly indignant. It is not something learned by association or observation. It seems to be part of them when they arrive.

As a child grows, observes and learns, he becomes initiated into the customs of his surroundings and learns to appreciate more things, desire more things and as a result to wish to hold on to even more things. The old saying about something being as 'easy as taking candy from a baby' is, in my experience, bogus. Few things are more difficult. The truth is, from the time we are old enough to recognize a thing and desire to possess it, we become indignant if someone takes it from us.

As a mother, one of my chief responsibilities is that if 'justice of the peace' in my own home. I have settled disputes of every kind on a daily, hourly basis for over twenty-five years. Children, I have learned, naturally desire justice to be done when they have been wronged in any way and a mother is the natural judge of such things. As a seasoned and experienced judge then, I have found it most interesting that although children find it easy to become angry at their brother for an obvious offense, they find it even easier to commit the same offense against someone else.

There is in everyone, I believe, not only a desire for justice to be done to themselves, but also a knowledge that other people also deserve the same justice. However, this knowledge of the rights of others, sometimes gets lost in the shuffle of our daily lives and grievances. We can get so caught up in our own search for justice that we overlook the need to provide it to others. This is overwhelmingly the cause of the most disputes among my children. In the majority of cases, where one person has been wronged, they, (the victim), were almost invariably guilty of committing the same wrong against the perpetrator. Each in their turn demanded justice, but neither was willing to dispense it to the other. Each was willing to commit the offense and neither desired to admit it or correct that behavior.

Such was the case with the man I mentioned above. He was quick to point out the injustice of the person who had been dishonest and had hurt his family. He easily recognized the need, even the duty this person owed to him and his family, to be honest and upright in his dealings with him. He, however, in practically the same breath, began discussing with impunity and without the least hesitation, his own dishonesty in another matter. He justified himself in committing this dishonest act by saying that he needed the advantages it would give him. Amazed, I tried to point out that the same fault for which he was willing to send one man to jail, was also a part of his own character and didn't he think it strange to point an accusing finger at one person when justice would certainly demand that the finger also be pointed at him.

He looked at me, puzzled; as though the thought had never occurred to him. I wanted to tell him what I tell my children: If you expect justice from someone else, you have to give it. Children understand this concept, but often fail to live it. Unfortunately, I see no difference in many of the adults around me. Like children, they are all too willing to cheat their neighbor but become angry if anyone cheats them. And justice simply says: You deserve each other.

The Age of Distraction

I have grown up in a unique age in the history of the world. It has been called many things but today I will call it: The Age of Distraction. Wherever you go, there is something going on visually and audibly to attract and distract your attention. I do mean everywhere you go! From your living room to the grocery store to the dentist's office to the gas station, you are literally never alone with your thoughts because someone is out to get them all the time.

Driving down the freeway you would have to look at your lap in order to avoid the constant barrage of media being aimed at you. The intensive, high-tech mish-mosh of visuals can actually make you sick with some of the images and ideas they portray. On a more intense level, if you go to the theater to watch a new movie, you have to sit through at least ten minutes of advertising for upcoming movies for which you may or may not have an interest. But you are a captive audience, so they take advantage of you. They grab you, twist you around, shoot you in the gut and throw you back on your seat in a cold sweat and then say, “Enjoy the show!”

Some of the most annoying and distracting advertisements are the new electronic signs with video capabilities. They flash lights and images faster than you can actually read or process them, practically blinding you, and making it impossible to drive, leaving you with the feeling that you have just had a high-powered x-ray from the death star!

But of all the distractions on the planet, video games get the lowest marks in my book. I mean, ads can annoy, obnoxious music in the stores can offend and movie ads can be in-your-face and dreadful, but video games...well, that's another story. Video games do not play fair. They hit under the table, where you can't see it. Without a doubt, video games are potentially addictive. Alright, so you like to play video games. Big deal. You like to eat Twinkies too and no one makes a fuss. But according to some researchers, the average young American will spend 10,000 hours playing video games before the age of 21. That's ten thousand hours that might have been spent doing something useful. When I was a child, the big thing was that kids were watching too much television. The world reaped a harvest of dumbed-down children who are now having children of their own. These children are video game savvy youth who will spend more time playing those games than almost anything else in their lives. The result? According to an article by Sandy Hingston: “Sociologists cite five “markers” or “milestones” that have traditionally defined our notion of adulthood: finishing school, moving away from the parental home, becoming financially independent, getting married, and having a child. In 1960, 65 percent of men had ticked off all five by age 30; by 2000, only a third had.” [ quoted from: “22 Stats That Prove That There Is Something Seriously Wrong With Young Men In America” on theeconomiccollapseblog.com]

Some have attacked video games citing teen violence as a leading outcome. However, according to others, there is no real link between the two. But apparently it isn't what they are doing as a result of the games but what they are NOT doing. The most devastating effects of spending so much time doing other things besides living, have to do with home, family and life itself. According to the research I found, right now, approximately 53 percent of all Americans in the 18 to 24 year old age bracket are living at home with their parents and according to another survey, 29 percent of all Americans in the 25 to 34 year old age bracket are still living with their parents. Young men and women should be taught to face the challenges of life with something like courage and fortitude. Instead, they are staying home, avoiding marriage and family, living off their parents, and essentially checking-out of life, by the millions. We are losing an entire generation of young people to a seemingly harmless distraction. It reminds me of the old commercials about literacy that said: “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.” Then I would add, a generation is an infinitely more terrible thing to waste.