Closer Than You Think

From the time we are born, we are looking for approval, acceptance or validation of some kind. First, we look to our parents and siblings who smile when we do something they like and frown when we do not. After that, we look to teachers and other adults to provide that approval. For some, I suppose the search for acceptance might be the sum of their existence. They might even see life as a hopeless quest for approval in a largely disapproving world. It seems that there is always someone older, smarter, richer, higher or more powerful than we are and from whom we crave acceptance in one way or another. Unfortunately, this kind of approval-seeking has no end.

As a woman who has borne several children, I understand the approval-seeking process amazingly well. My first visit to the doctor's office with my first pregnancy put me right back to a sort of parent-child relationship with my doctor. If I did everything I was supposed to, gained the right amount of weight, had the right number of red blood cells and a 'clean' urine sample, I was validated, praised and given encouragement to keep going. If, however, I was forgetful of taking my pills, gained too much or too little weight, had weak blood or an 'unclean' urine sample, I was pronounced negligent with a shake of the head, given a strict regimen to help me reform my behavior and told in no uncertain terms that I was in trouble. As a result, I was inclined to push myself harder and be more self-critical and worried than perhaps I deserved.

If you have ever had a hard boss, you know what I am talking about. Bosses sometimes act as though they own you, your life, your children, your time, your freedom, your thoughts, etc. They know, of course, that they do not and they will thereby deny any responsibility for your welfare, but when it comes to sacrificing your time, freedom, pride, family or anything else, they will not hesitate to expect or even demand such a sacrifice. This kind of relationship tends to make one feel as powerless as a babe in diapers. In response, we might work harder, sacrifice more or even compromise our standards in order to gain the approval of such a boss. As a result, we might think less of ourselves and most certainly be extremely unhappy.

Teachers might feel this way about overbearing parents. Parents might feel this way about teachers who refuse to give an inch. Adult children might feel this way about controlling parents and parents might feel this way about a manipulative child. A poor man might feel this way toward a bill collector and a businessman might feel this way toward a city council. The list is endless.

Victor Frankl, survivor of a Nazi prison camp, teaches us a principle that overrides all of these negative possibilities. He said that he discovered, almost by accident, that when he was in the most difficult circumstances, (a death camp for instance), he was able to carry on a conversation in his mind with his wife whom he loved. In that conversation he could hear her voice, speaking sweet words of love and friendship. As he heard those words and answered them in his mind, he began to feel joy and happiness. There he was in the midst of the worst-case scenario and he was feeling joy! This discovery taught him that he had the power within himself to be at peace and feel joy in spite of his surroundings.

For me, there is one person whose approval must be met at all costs. When I approve of myself, when I ask myself what I think of me, when I have accepted, validated and approved of my own actions, behaviors, thoughts, words, life etc. then I have done what Victor Frankl did. I have achieved peace amidst war, harmony in the face of discord, power instead of impotence. Like Victor Frankl, I can carry on a conversation in my mind with the one person who knows me perfectly and can give the most honest assessment of me. All the validation and approval from outside sources can never replace self-approval. And though you have the friendship of the whole world and do not accept yourself, happiness will still be out of reach. Like Dorothy in “The Wizard of Oz” who needed to realize that her happiness was waiting for her in her own back yard, approval, acceptance and happiness may be closer than we think.