A New Year; A New You

With a new month, a new year and according to some a new age, coming fast upon us, it reminds me of the tradition of new-year's resolutions. When I was a child it was common for people to talk about their resolutions through most of December and January of any given year. It seemed to me a good way to take stock of one's life and then to do something constructive about it. This year, I can't say that I have heard anyone speak of a new-years resolution or any resolution for that matter. To resolve, unequivocally upon some course of action can be a powerful force for good in one's life. However, the decline and fall of the resolution can only indicate a decline and fall of the good that comes from it.

I overheard a conversation recently, of a person who was relating an instance of the abuse of her friend by a person close to her. She was obviously concerned and upset because this friend had not the resolve or the fortitude to remove herself from the abuse, but was inclined to justify the abuser and ignore the abuse for the sake of other seeming benefits that might be gained by the relationship. This little bit of an overheard conversation caused me to ponder on some of the human frailties we all possess.

When I was growing up with three older brothers and two older sisters, I found myself in a constant battle, the nature of which was a mystery to me. As anyone knows who has had older siblings or a boss, the temptation to treat those under you with something other than kindness, generosity and fairness is unfortunately universal. I other words, I knew what it was like to be oppressed and mistreated. In saying that, I do not mean to imply that my siblings were malicious. No, I believe that they were mostly unaware of the pain they were causing those of us who were younger than they were, just as a boss might be unaware of the feelings of his subordinates. Nevertheless, I was often hurt, both physically and emotionally.

For my entire life, I accepted the pain I endured at the hands of unkind siblings and others, as normal and natural; a part of life that could not be avoided and therefore must be tolerated and forgiven. In so doing, however, there was a vital principle of existence that was being overlooked. In overlooking this principle I discovered that I was perpetuating all of the abuse which I so fervently wished to avoid. It is not an obvious principle, either to discover or to understand, so I can understand why I could not see it for most of my life. But it is one that, if used properly, can become a great catalyst for change. The principle is self-respect. Unlike self-esteem, it is not so much interested in 'liking' one's self as in simply giving one's self the right to live and in treating one's self as you would treat a respected friend.

Most people treat themselves pretty badly. For instance, most people will call themselves 'stupid' if they make a mistake. This and other self-abuse is all too common. A person who respects himself will refrain from speaking thus to himself and will give himself the benefit of the doubt; always giving an honest assessment of the situation, without unjust or undue criticism. Apply this principle to a new year's resolution and you have an unbreakable promise that you keep to yourself. Why should it be easier to break a promise to ourselves more than to a friend? Why should we think less of ourselves than of others? And how can we expect others to treat us with respect if we do not respect ourselves? A person who thinks little of himself and allows others to hurt or abuse him, will discover that there are a host of people out there who are willing to perpetuate that hurt. On the other hand, if you respect yourself, you will not allow others to treat you that way, but you will stand up for yourself, even as you would stand up to a bully on the playground.

When self-respect becomes a governing principle in your relationships, then mutual respect can be cultivated and peace can be found. When self-respect reigns in a person's being, then resolutions become unbreakable promises to one's self and the stepping-stones to great progress and achievement, and isn't that what a new year or a new age should be about?