Closer Than You Think

From the time we are born, we are looking for approval, acceptance or validation of some kind. First, we look to our parents and siblings who smile when we do something they like and frown when we do not. After that, we look to teachers and other adults to provide that approval. For some, I suppose the search for acceptance might be the sum of their existence. They might even see life as a hopeless quest for approval in a largely disapproving world. It seems that there is always someone older, smarter, richer, higher or more powerful than we are and from whom we crave acceptance in one way or another. Unfortunately, this kind of approval-seeking has no end.

As a woman who has borne several children, I understand the approval-seeking process amazingly well. My first visit to the doctor's office with my first pregnancy put me right back to a sort of parent-child relationship with my doctor. If I did everything I was supposed to, gained the right amount of weight, had the right number of red blood cells and a 'clean' urine sample, I was validated, praised and given encouragement to keep going. If, however, I was forgetful of taking my pills, gained too much or too little weight, had weak blood or an 'unclean' urine sample, I was pronounced negligent with a shake of the head, given a strict regimen to help me reform my behavior and told in no uncertain terms that I was in trouble. As a result, I was inclined to push myself harder and be more self-critical and worried than perhaps I deserved.

If you have ever had a hard boss, you know what I am talking about. Bosses sometimes act as though they own you, your life, your children, your time, your freedom, your thoughts, etc. They know, of course, that they do not and they will thereby deny any responsibility for your welfare, but when it comes to sacrificing your time, freedom, pride, family or anything else, they will not hesitate to expect or even demand such a sacrifice. This kind of relationship tends to make one feel as powerless as a babe in diapers. In response, we might work harder, sacrifice more or even compromise our standards in order to gain the approval of such a boss. As a result, we might think less of ourselves and most certainly be extremely unhappy.

Teachers might feel this way about overbearing parents. Parents might feel this way about teachers who refuse to give an inch. Adult children might feel this way about controlling parents and parents might feel this way about a manipulative child. A poor man might feel this way toward a bill collector and a businessman might feel this way toward a city council. The list is endless.

Victor Frankl, survivor of a Nazi prison camp, teaches us a principle that overrides all of these negative possibilities. He said that he discovered, almost by accident, that when he was in the most difficult circumstances, (a death camp for instance), he was able to carry on a conversation in his mind with his wife whom he loved. In that conversation he could hear her voice, speaking sweet words of love and friendship. As he heard those words and answered them in his mind, he began to feel joy and happiness. There he was in the midst of the worst-case scenario and he was feeling joy! This discovery taught him that he had the power within himself to be at peace and feel joy in spite of his surroundings.

For me, there is one person whose approval must be met at all costs. When I approve of myself, when I ask myself what I think of me, when I have accepted, validated and approved of my own actions, behaviors, thoughts, words, life etc. then I have done what Victor Frankl did. I have achieved peace amidst war, harmony in the face of discord, power instead of impotence. Like Victor Frankl, I can carry on a conversation in my mind with the one person who knows me perfectly and can give the most honest assessment of me. All the validation and approval from outside sources can never replace self-approval. And though you have the friendship of the whole world and do not accept yourself, happiness will still be out of reach. Like Dorothy in “The Wizard of Oz” who needed to realize that her happiness was waiting for her in her own back yard, approval, acceptance and happiness may be closer than we think.

A New Year; A New You

With a new month, a new year and according to some a new age, coming fast upon us, it reminds me of the tradition of new-year's resolutions. When I was a child it was common for people to talk about their resolutions through most of December and January of any given year. It seemed to me a good way to take stock of one's life and then to do something constructive about it. This year, I can't say that I have heard anyone speak of a new-years resolution or any resolution for that matter. To resolve, unequivocally upon some course of action can be a powerful force for good in one's life. However, the decline and fall of the resolution can only indicate a decline and fall of the good that comes from it.

I overheard a conversation recently, of a person who was relating an instance of the abuse of her friend by a person close to her. She was obviously concerned and upset because this friend had not the resolve or the fortitude to remove herself from the abuse, but was inclined to justify the abuser and ignore the abuse for the sake of other seeming benefits that might be gained by the relationship. This little bit of an overheard conversation caused me to ponder on some of the human frailties we all possess.

When I was growing up with three older brothers and two older sisters, I found myself in a constant battle, the nature of which was a mystery to me. As anyone knows who has had older siblings or a boss, the temptation to treat those under you with something other than kindness, generosity and fairness is unfortunately universal. I other words, I knew what it was like to be oppressed and mistreated. In saying that, I do not mean to imply that my siblings were malicious. No, I believe that they were mostly unaware of the pain they were causing those of us who were younger than they were, just as a boss might be unaware of the feelings of his subordinates. Nevertheless, I was often hurt, both physically and emotionally.

For my entire life, I accepted the pain I endured at the hands of unkind siblings and others, as normal and natural; a part of life that could not be avoided and therefore must be tolerated and forgiven. In so doing, however, there was a vital principle of existence that was being overlooked. In overlooking this principle I discovered that I was perpetuating all of the abuse which I so fervently wished to avoid. It is not an obvious principle, either to discover or to understand, so I can understand why I could not see it for most of my life. But it is one that, if used properly, can become a great catalyst for change. The principle is self-respect. Unlike self-esteem, it is not so much interested in 'liking' one's self as in simply giving one's self the right to live and in treating one's self as you would treat a respected friend.

Most people treat themselves pretty badly. For instance, most people will call themselves 'stupid' if they make a mistake. This and other self-abuse is all too common. A person who respects himself will refrain from speaking thus to himself and will give himself the benefit of the doubt; always giving an honest assessment of the situation, without unjust or undue criticism. Apply this principle to a new year's resolution and you have an unbreakable promise that you keep to yourself. Why should it be easier to break a promise to ourselves more than to a friend? Why should we think less of ourselves than of others? And how can we expect others to treat us with respect if we do not respect ourselves? A person who thinks little of himself and allows others to hurt or abuse him, will discover that there are a host of people out there who are willing to perpetuate that hurt. On the other hand, if you respect yourself, you will not allow others to treat you that way, but you will stand up for yourself, even as you would stand up to a bully on the playground.

When self-respect becomes a governing principle in your relationships, then mutual respect can be cultivated and peace can be found. When self-respect reigns in a person's being, then resolutions become unbreakable promises to one's self and the stepping-stones to great progress and achievement, and isn't that what a new year or a new age should be about?